Out of Hope
by Match4077
Summary: Hawkeye has been walking around camp with his eyes bandaged all week, appreciating the stimulation of his other four senses. But how will Hawkeye react when he discovers his blindness is permanent? - Alternate Ending for "Out of Sight, Out of Mind"
1. Chapter 1

As Jim Overman, a military optometrist, unwound the bandages from Hawkeye's eyes a million thoughts ran through his mind, most of them terrifying. A unique sense of dread he had never experienced before in his life ran throughout his whole body like a lightning bolt. And just as quickly as the dread had appeared, it vanished. Not because he wasn't afraid anymore, but because he wouldn't allow himself to feel such a painful emotion while still sober.

Hawkeye's rush of thoughts and feelings quickly came to a stop when the optometrist finished unraveling the bandages. "Are you ready Captain Pierce? Shade your eyes."

Hawkeye did what the doctor suggested and placed his hand gently over his eyes like a makeshift baseball cap. Another twinge of dread surged through his body as Doctor Overman gently took the gauze off his eye lids.

"Now Captain, open your eyes, slowly."

Hawkeye did as the optometrist ordered. He opened his eyes, and quickly closed them again, blinking them several times as he got used to the feeling of having them open once again. But he already knew the result. He just didn't believe it. He withdrew his hand from his eyes and stretched it out in front of him. Squinting, he looked at his hand. Nothing. Nothing at all. His first thought was "dammit". But he didn't say it. He said something only Hawkeye would say in such a situation.

"Hey who turned off the lights!" As the words came out of his mouth Hawkeye's tone rapidly dropped from his usually sarcastic and witty tone to one of sheer depression and disappointment. Even Hawkeye couldn't fake a joke about this. An eruption of concerned sighs and gasps followed.

"Hawk, are you... sure?" BJ asked as he leaned forward and rested his hand on Hawkeye's shoulder. Hoping that just maybe, this one time, Hawkeye's intuition was wrong. As he felt his best friend's shoulder muscles tense BJ immediately regretted the statement he had just made.

Hawkeye was already past the initial shock and disappointment and had moved on to anger. "Of course I'm sure, they're my eyes aren't they! Or at least they were, until this lousy police action took them from me, just like everything else!" He was seething. He would have grabbed the nearest object and hurled it across the room had he been able to see one he was so angry.

"I think it'd be best if you all left now" chimed in the optometrist for the first time since the reveal. "I know you are all very concerned about your dear friend, but I do have some follow up examinations to make." Bj patted his newly blind friend on the shoulder and left post op along with the other camp members who had come along to see the results of their dear friend's tragic accident.

Once everyone had gone and post op was again quiet the optometrist then took out is retinoscope and shone it in Hawkeyes left eye, then his right, examining them both carefully in search of any sign of hope for the talented surgeon's vision. After asking Hakweye a few simple questions He found that there was no hope; the physician's vision was gone. Not just ruined, he was pitch black blind with no hope of ever regaining his sight.

"So doc, what's the verdict, will I ever regain any of my sight? Be straight with me, I can handle it." Hakweye was once again calm, eerily calm for Hawkeye Pierce.

"I'm... I'm sorry doctor but, no...The heat from the blast completely destroyed your retinas." He paused. "You will never see again. I'm sorry." No matter how many times the doctor had broken news like this to his patents, it never got any easier.

Hawkeye nodded and swallowed the lump he had in his throat since before the bandages even came off. He understood the doctors words, but he didn't feel anything. The unusual dread he felt just minutes earlier was replaced with a strange hollowness. He wasn't mad anymore, he wasn't afraid, and he wasn't even sad. He was just...blind. This was his life now. And in that moment he accepted it. He lay back in the cot he had been sitting in and closed his eyes. His useless, useless eyes he thought to himself.

The military optometrist got up and left the room, he had seen enough cases like this in his career before to know the man just needed some time. And as the man left the room, back on the cot a single tear rolled down Hawkeye's cheek.

 **AN: Thank you for reading! it's my first attempt at writing a fic so I hope it wasn't too terrible, haha. I wrote it so I could go on with the story if anyone was interested or just leave it as a little one shot alternate ending. So if you would like to read more of this story please let me know! Thank you!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters, anything you recognize isn't mine.**

 **AN: Thank you for the reads and reviews! I decided to keep going with this story as I have a full idea of where I want to take it. I Hope you enjoy this next installment, please review!**

Hawkeye lay in that cot for several hours listening to the bustle of the camp, remembering in his mind what the compound looked like. He pretended to be sleeping when someone he assumed was BJ sat down next to him and touched him on the shoulder. But it wasn't until the person opened their mouth that Hawkeye discovered who it was.

"How are ya doin' Hawkeye?" The person asked in a soft, slow, and comforting tone.

Sidney. Hawkeye immediately recognized the psychiatrist's voice and instinctively turned over in the cot to look at him, only when he opened his eyes he couldn't see him. Oh yeah. Hawkeye thought to himself and cringed at the realization of what he had just done. Surely Sidney would have realized too.

"Not too well I take it." Sidney said when he saw what Hawkeye has just done. Hawkeye had seemed to forget he was blind for that tenth of second as instinct took over. And of course the psychiatrist had picked up on it.

Hawkeye tried to cover it up anyway. "Oh I'm fine, of course I'm fine, why wouldn't I be fine? Just because I'm blind? I've been blind all week."

"But you've only just today found out your blindness is permanent. Surely that must feel different." Sidney said in his frank yet caring manner.

"Hey how'd you get here so fast anyway Sidney?" Hawkeye answered, clearly dodging the question, his eyes closed once again. Sidney figured it best not to pry at this moment and went along with the question.

"Well, how do you think I got here so fast, Hawkeye?" He asked casually but still in psychiatrist mode. Hawkeye made no reply. "It was your good friend, BJ, called me as soon as the bandages were taken off. Told me you might need someone to talk to."

BJ... He thought to himself.

What's BJ know? Hawkeye was mad at him, but he didn't really know why, he had no reason. Still, he resented him. He decided to share these thoughts with Sidney. "Sidney, I'm mad at him, why?"

"Is it perhaps because he's the one who still has 20/20 vision, while you're laying there in darkness? I know It doesn't make sense Hawkeye, but then again emotions hardly ever do." Hawkeye pondered over these words from his friend and therapist for a few seconds. Suddenly someone entered post op. Someone with big feet by the sounds of it and as soon as he thought it he knew who it had to be. Hawkeye decided to sit up in the cot and open his eyes as not to look too pitiful as his big footed friend approached.

"Sidney, I didn't know you could find Big foot in Korea? I thought he only lived in the Pacific North West?" Hawkeye grinned in the presumable direction of his best friend. It was the first time he smiled in hours but he was faking it for the sake of BJ. And Sidney could tell.

"Well you're only off by a few hundred miles!" the young surgeon from San Francisco playfully replied as he saw his friend acting as his almost regular self. He knew Hawkeye's humorous remark was most likely a facade for whatever terrible anguish he might be feeling, but he liked seeing Hawkeye happy, even if it wasn't genuine.

BJ sat down on the edge of the cot as he had done for so many of his patients before. He didn't care that he was interrupting Sidney's session with Hawkeye. Colonel Potter had ordered that no one bother Hawkeye until Sidney arrived. He knew how unstable he would be. BJ was dying to comfort his friend but had ultimately heeded the orders. In this case it was a good thing too, according to the short conversation Hawkeye had just been able to have with Sidney.

BJ's grin was now gone and replaced with a solemn expression of concern. Hawkeye, unable to see the change in expression, did not expect the seriousness of what his friend was about to do.

BJ tightly embraced his emotional friend, uncaring of what Sidney or the others in post op might think.

"I'm so sorry Hawk, I don't know what to say. Just know I'm here."

At that any leftover unnecessary resentment Hawkeye had for BJ vanished and he began sobbing in his best friend's arms.

After a few minutes, the tears subsided and the holding stopped. "Boys, Why don't we take this to The Swamp?" Sidney suggested after noticing some disrupted patients in post op. Not to mention Hawkeye would likely feel more comfortable there anyway.

Like a loyal seeing eye dog, BJ carefully guided his friend on the trip from post op to the swamp. BJ was thankful Hawkeye couldn't see the pitied expression of every single personnel who had passed by on the way there. He gently lowered Hawkeye onto his cot and immediately walked over to the still.

"Drink?" He asked Hawkeye already beginning to pour one.

"If there were ever a time I needed one more..." Hawkeye replied and took the martini glass out of BJ's hand as if he had seen it. Some actions were instinctive to Hawkeye, blind or not.

"What about you Sidney? I promise this batch is better than the last time you stopped by."

Sidney reluctantly took the glass the doctor had extended and wafted the potent liquid that was inside. "Mmm, smells it too." He said while raising an eyebrow, fully aware it would still taste like windshield washer fluid. The psychiatrist had taken a seat at the end of Frank's cot who fortunately, was no where to be seen.

BJ filled up a glass for himself and downed most of it in one swig and topped it off before sitting down on his own cot across from Hawkeye. Sidney took note to take out some time while he was here to talk to BJ alone.

BJ was the first to speak. "Potter's already filled out your discharge papers, they'll be sent out to ICOR in the morning for processing. You should be out of here in about a week." He said and took another gulp of gin.

"So, I finally get to go home..." Hawkeye pondered for a brief moment. "You know, I've been dreaming of going home to Crabapple Cove as long as I've been in this awful place. And now I finally get to, and I'd rather go anywhere else." He handed his glass to BJ to fill up for him.

"Why is that I wonder?" Sidney asked bluntly. He had a pretty good idea why Hawkeye was feeling that way but he needed to hear him say it.

"Sidney, This will be the last place I'll have ever seen, this dirty camp in the middle of Korea." He paused for a moment, dwelling on what he was thinking about. Finally he choked out the words to express his thoughts. "Sending me back to beautiful Crabapple cove, knowing I'll never again see the waves crash against the lighthouse as the sun rises over the Atlantic ocean, or see the snow covered winter wonderland it turns into during the winter...? It's a tease Sidney." He fidgeted with his martini glass.

"You know, what you're feeling is very common in those who have lost their vision."

"And what's your prescription Sidney?"

"Well, some are able to go home and adjust just fine, their fears nothing more than an inconvenience."

"And those who can't adjust?" BJ chimed in, almost defensively, taking serious interest in anything that he might be able help with.

"Well, they have to totally relocate. Sometimes the unfamiliar is just what a newly blind person needs to adjust. A new life with no visual connections to compare it to often makes it easier for them to accept their new identity."

Hawkeye swallowed a lump in his throat, he sure has a lot of them today. A new identity? He hadn't even yet begun to think of how it would change the person he was. He almost burst out in tears again as a massive list of things he would no longer be able to do ran through his mind.

"What is it Hawk?" BJ put down his glass and walked over and sat down right next to Hawkeye on his cot. Immediately sensing his horror.

"I... I..." He couldn't get it out and the tears he had been doing so well to suppress were beginning to come out.

"What Hawkeye?" Sidney needed Hawkeye to voice whatever realization he just had.

"I... I can't... be a surgeon anymore." He wailed and began violently sobbing. BJ leaned in to hold him, it was all he could do and BJ too began to cry.

 **AN: haha I like pain, sorry. I hope was able to properly convey the emotions that Hakweye would be feeling and while taking into account Hawkeye's own characterization. My goal is to make you cry, did I succeed yet?**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters, anything you recognize is not mine.**

"Attention all personnel! Choppers and Ambulances entering the compound! This is going to be a big one folks!" A static covered voice announced over the loud speaker. In the Commanding Office Sidney had been giving Colonel Potter a general overview of Captain Pierce's current mental health.

Colonel Potter sighed. "We're going to need your help with this one Sidney, we're down our chief surgeon and it's already going to be a long night."

"Why Colonel, I haven't performed surgery in years, you know that. On top of that I can't possibly leave Pierce alone while we're all in there. I've just begun to scratch the surface on a road to recovery for him."

"Major, I know that and I highly respect your work as a psychiatrist but we're about to have a very heavy load of casualties and those men are going to need your extra hands in that operating room a lot more than Hakweye needs you out of it." He was speaking firmly but could tell he meant nothing but the best in what he said.

"But Colonel I—" Potter cut him off.

"There will be no buts about it Major. Don't make me make that an order."

"Of course not Sir." Sidney paused dejectedly before continuing further. "Can you at least assign someone to stay with Hawkeye? Keep him company? I told you about the reaction he had when he realized he can never perform surgery again. And this is the first batch of wounded since I got here. He's going to need something, if he can't have me."

"Of course Major. Would Radar be alright?"

"Radar would be fine choice Colonel, thank you." Sidney turned to walk out.

"Sidney." Potter stopped him, calling him by his first name. The psychologist turned around. The colonel had a serious look on his face with his eyes ever so slightlyglistening. "I'm worried about Hawkeye too." And they both headed down the hall to scrub up.

The mess tent was totally vacant when Radar entered leading in Hawkeye and sitting him down at the the bench nearest the carafe. "Hawkeye, I can't remember, do you take sugar in your coffee?" He filled two mugs and stirred some sugar into his own.

"No, black is fine." He sounded rather depressed as he said so. Radar silently acknowledged this and walked over, placing the mug in front of Hawkeye and sat down across from him. Hawkeye wriggled his nose and made a disgusted noise. "You know, they're right about the loss of one sense increasing the sensitivity of your others. This coffee smells even worse than usual, if that even seems possible." He held the mug up to his lips and considered taking a sip before wincing and putting it back down again.

Radar hesitated for a moment, mustering up the courage to say something in an effort to cheer up his friend.

"Um, You know Sir, without my glasses I can't hardly see anything either. I could tell you some of the tricks I've used get around without 'em. I mean... only if you want me to that is." Radar didn't really know what to say to Hawkeye and he really wasn't sure if asking this would be good for him or not, but he wanted to help nonetheless.

"Radar. I appreciate the thought, but this is is a bit different than some blurry letters. I'm totally blind remember, I can't even remember what sunlight is like!" His volume rose as he ended the sentence. Apparently Hawkeye's overwhelming emotions were going to be taking the form of anger today.

Radar was slightly startled at this outburst and took in a sharp breath. Sidney hadn't had time to give him a run down of the dos and don'ts of what to say and he had evidently erred.

"I'm sorry Radar, I shouldn't have lashed out like that."

"Well that's alright sir, I don't mind."

"It's just... There's a long line of bleeding kids waiting to be operated on in there and I can't do anything about it!" His voice was rising again. "And Sidney! He won't even let me go near pre-op! Do you know how hard it is being a doctor, having the knowledge and the skill to help a dying person and not being able to do anything about it!" He was hot by this point and showed no sign of his anger turning into sadness any time soon.

Radar was thoroughly taken aback by this point, an angry Hawkeye always made him a little uncomfortable. This time however it was his job to help do something about it. He cleared his throat, still a little shaky. "Uh well, um, what did Sidney say about Post-op?"

"What?" He was still angry but his urge to yell about it was over for the moment.

"Well, you said Sidney wouldn't let you near pre-op, but did he say anything about going to post-op?"

"Well, no." He replied, not entirely sure where Radar was going with this question. He paused for a moment before adding "But there's nothing I can do in post op blind that a nurse can't do sighted except be in the way. You remember what happened last time when I went into post op don't you? I almost fed Frank a knuckle sandwich."

"Well Frank won't be there now! And remember how encouraging you were for that poor corporal who was also blind? You may not have operated on him but you sure made a big difference to him. And I'm sure you could be a big help to some of the others too if you tried. Boy, I know it's not the same as fixin' 'em up in surgery. But I know you Hawkeye and I know you like helping people! You've always been the biggest help with morale around here and who's to say you can't help with morale in there too?" Radar had no idea where this speech had come from or the nerves to actually give it for that matter, but he cared about Hawkeye, and it hurt a lot to see him dismiss himself as so useless.

Several minutes went by without a single word being uttered. Hawkeye just sat there, staring at Radar even though he couldn't see him. Thinking. Finally he spoke up. "You know Radar, you're wiser than they give you credit for." Hawkeye was calm now, still thinking about the truth of the words Radar had just said.

"So, uhhhh, do you want me to take you to post op then Sir?"

Hawkeye was quiet, if Radar looked hard enough he could see the gears turning in his head.

"Sir? Hawkeye, Are you alright?"

Hawkeye suddenly snapped back to reality. "Huh, what?" He said completely unaware of the question Radar had just posed.

"I uhh, was wondering if maybe you wanted to visit post op was all."

"Oh."

"Hey... Are you okay Hawk? You're acting kind of funny, and not the funny kind of funny either." Radar cared about Hawkeye but he had no idea what was going through his mind. _Boy, I sure wish Sidney was here_ , he thought.

"I'm fine Radar." He let out a small sigh. "Mind helping me to the latrine?" Hawkeye clearly didn't know how to voice his numerous thoughts just yet. For that Radar was grateful because then he'd have to try and carefully respond to them without setting him off again.

Hawkeye sat up from the table and tried to straddle himself over the rickety bench to a full standing position in order to get a head start to the latrine. For some reason he suddenly really had to go. As he attempted to stand his foot got caught between the leg of the table and the bench and he lost his balance. He stumbled, his hands widely searching for anything that might give him some stability. The first thing his hands found was short and soft. _Radar_.

"Thanks Radar..." He said, clearly embarrassed by what had just happened. "Guess I'm even more feeble than I thought." He mumbled mostly to himself. Hawkeye now had a quiet rage burning inside of him. As they made their way towards the Officer's latrine and he swung his foot around in search of something to kick to let out his frustration, but couldn't find anything which only frustrated him more.

Radar could clearly sense these frustrations and wished Hawkeye would just cry instead of waiting for his kettle to boil. Hawkeye had a reputation for doing crazy things when he could no longer contain his overwhelming anger. In an attempt to ease his anxiety Radar figured, _how much damage can one blind make make?_

 **AN: Thanks for all your reads and reviews thus far! This story is going to be even longer than I originally thought, I just keep getting ideas! So be sure to stayed tune and maybe leave me reviews in order to keep my own enthusiasm up?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own MASH or any of it's characters, anything you recognize is not mine.**

The OR shift lasted 16 hours. It was a little past two in the morning when the weary surgeons entered the scrub room and crawled out of their bloody scrubs.

"You guys operate like that all the time?" You could hear the exhaustion in Sidney's voice coupled with a clear tone of respect. He hadn't steeped foot in an OR since med school and found the experience difficult to say the least.

"Only Sunday through Saturday, Christmas, New Years and Thanksgiving." BJ chimed, awake enough to give a witty reply. "Hey, what do ya say, how about I treat you to a drink Sid. You definitely deserve one after all that work you pulled in there."

"Don't you guys ever give your kidneys a break?" He knew the swamp boys drank a lot but he was still surprised every time he came to the 4077th.

"Well you should know as well as anyone Sidney, we only do it to forget."

"And after the shift I just witnessed, I'm finding it difficult to argue with you."

"So, to the O club then?" BJ smiled at the sleepy Doctor as they exited the hospital. He still sensed a small bit of hesitation from Sidney. "Don't worry, I've already considered it, Hawkeye will be fast asleep by now, he won't miss us for a few more minutes."

"Fine, I suppose one small drink might actually be good for me." Suddenly Sidney had remembered he wanted to talk with BJ privately and now was probably the best opportunity he would get.

"That's the spirit Sidney."

They enter the Officers Club, which oddly enough, isn't locked at this hour. The inside of the club is dark and it's clear no one else is inside. Bj flips the light switch and makes his way behind the counter. "So what'll it be tonight Weary Doctor? We got gin, vodka, scotch and rum..." He piled all the bottles onto counter in front of Sidney like a salesman showing off a line of products.

"Do you happen to have any wine back there? Red wine?" Sidney cocked an eyebrow at the array of hard liquids set before him.

"Ah, a truly mature pallet." Bj replied and began rummaging through the cabinets looking for what the psychiatrist had requested. "Here we are, there's a Cabernet or a Merlot, take your pick."

"The Merlot is fine, thank you." He held out the wine glass BJ had handed him as the surgeon playing bar tender filled it with the delicate burgundy liquid. BJ then filled his own glass with a double shot of scotch and promptly swung back half the glass in a single swig. "BJ, I've been so busy talking to Hawkeye I never got to ask, how are you faring with this whole situation?" He had on his psychiatrist face as he asked and BJ noticed.

"Well..." He took a small sip of his drink this time as he thought out how he was going to reply, aware Sidney was looking for a serious answer, even if he didn't want to give one. "I really empathize for Hawkeye and I just want to do whatever I can to help him." It was BS answer and he knew it, he just hoped Sidney would accept it.

"Well, that's certainly to be expected, he's your best friend and he did just face a serious life alerting trauma, it's only natural you'd want to help him through it. But I sense that pity isn't the only emotion affecting you because of this. Am I right?"

He should have known he wouldn't buy it for a second. BJ finished off his drink and immediately started to pour a second. Sidney put his hand out to stop him.

"If something is eating at you BJ you need to talk to me. It does no good to keep it bottled up."

"It's nothing Sidney, really. It's quite silly actually, not even worth mentioning." His hands were firmly planted on the counter as he made eye contact with Sidney, trying to be as convincing as possible.

"Just because you don't think your feelings are valid BJ doesn't mean they shouldn't get talked about. And you know I won't judge you. Come on Hunnicutt, just let it out. I guarantee you will feel better after."

BJ figured out by now he wasn't going to be wiggling his way out of this one and began to regret not just going directly to bed. "Fine." He made his way from behind the counter and sat down at a table in the middle of the club. Sidney quickly moved from his seat at the bar to the chair across from BJ. "But just remember, I told you it was trivial."

"If it's causing you to drink as much as you have these past few days, It surely can't be too trivial." Sidney pointed out to BJ.

"I...I can't Sidney, it's selfish, I'm selfish for feeling this way."

"What is it?"

"I just..." He paused, regrouping his thoughts before trying to speak. "He's going to leave in a few days, Hawkeye is. He'll go back home, and I'll stay here. I want to help him Sid. How am I supposed to help him from thousands of miles away?"

"Now what's so selfish about that?" Sidney pressed, knowing there was more to BJ's feelings than this.

"Well, as much as I worry about how I'm going to help him, I worry even more about how he is supposed to help me?" He pasued and looked into his now empty glass. "I can't make it out here without him Sidney. Within my first hour in this country Hawkeye was there for me. And he has continued to be by my side helping me endure this impossible place ever since. How am I ever supposed to survive the rest of the this war without him...?" He sounded a bit frustrated but then he let out a big sigh. "but like I said, it's selfish. He's going home, blind, his whole life permanently and drastically changed and all I can think about is how it's going to affect me. I'm terrible..." His eyes were wide as he stared blankly at nothing in particular, he looked as though he might cry, if only the alcohol and exhuastion would let him.

"Oh BJ, that doesn't make you selfish. That makes you a human being."

"Yeah, a rotten one." He moped.

"It's instinct Hunnicutt. It's perfectly natural to have your initial reaction to change be fear for your own survival. You can't beat yourself up over simple human nature."

BJ nodded trying to convince himself what Sidney has saying was right. "So what do I do about Hawkeye?"

"Well... You support him while he's still here. And you keep in touch as well as you can once he's gone. Over time you'll adjust to his absence. It might not necessarily be easy, but your stronger than I think you give yourself credit for Hunnicutt."

BJ simply nodded, it was late and he was utterly exhausted. "Thanks Sid, I just hope you're right." He stood up from the table. "I don't know about you but I'm exhausted, care to join me in an independent viewing of the inside of our eyelids?" Sidney nodded in agreement and stood as BJ took the lead out of the Club and toward The Swamp.

The door swung open and they made their way towards their respective cots carefully tip toeing past a sleeping Frank Burns and... "Hawkeye?" BJ whispered just loud enough for Sidney to hear.

"Don't try to wake him now BJ, he's hardly slept the past few days."

"No, he's not in his cot!" He said much louder this time and flipped on the nearest lantern no longer caring if he woke up the sleeping Major.

In the dim light, BJ and Sidney looked at each other, their faces filled with both confusion and horror as to where the blind man could have stumbled off to.

"Hawkeye!" BJ began yelling as he ran from the tent, lantern in hand. "HAWKEYE!"

 **AN: Once again thanks for reading! The talk between BJ and Sidney was more or less filler for this next part but also something I really wanted to include so I hope you enjoyed it and I did the characters justice. Next week's chapter will pick up right where this one left off so stayed tuned! Also, If you haven't figured it out by now, I try my best to update every Tuesday.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own m*a*s*h or any of its characters, anything you recognize is not mine.**

 **AN: Sorry I'm a little bit late with this one, it proved a bit trickier to write than I thought it would. Enjoy!**

Frank emerged from the tent clearly irritated by being woken up, Sidney followed behind him. "What's the big deal Hunnicutt can't a doctor get any sleep around here?"

"You!" BJ whipped around. "Where did he go, you were in there with him!" He demanded. Between how tired he was and the little bit of alcohol that was in him, he was in a full rage.

"How should I know? He was there when I went to bed! You could have watched him if you filthy drunks didn't have to get a drink before hitting the sack." Frank retorted, a mixture of whiny and irritated.

By this point the commotion had woken up both Colonel Potter and Margaret who exited their tents at nearly the same time. "Now what in Sam Hell is going on out here? It's three in the morning!" The colonel yelled over everyone else as he demanded some answers.

Frank and BJ simultaneously started yelling out a jumble of angry words and accusations.

"Hawkeye seems to have wandered off Colonel." Sidney alerted, the only one calm enough to give a simple response. Margaret let out a small gasp.

"Oh, I see." The colonel stated, suddenly realizing the gravity of the situation. "Well," he turned to Margaret now. "Margaret, why don't you go wake up Radar, see if maybe he knows why Hawkeye might have done this or where he could've gone."

The major nodded and left to go wake the corporal.

The colonel now looked over to Frank. "Frank, go back to bed. You'll be most useful there."

"But colonel I did nothing wrong!" The major whined in objection.

"Zip it Burns. That was an order." Frank pouted and went back into The Swamp.

Finally, Potter looked over to BJ who was as white as a sheet and riddled with concern for his friend. "Son, don't worry. We'll find him soon enough, he can't have gone very far. Why don't you and Sidney go have a look around camp, ask the guards on duty if he's seen him." The colonel's eyes glimmered ever so slightly in the moonlight and you could tell that despite being incredibly tired, he really did care.

Without saying as much as a single word BJ immediately started on a light jog to the other end of the compound, not even checking to see if Sidney had begun to follow him. He was determined and his immediate sense of fear had passed. He was much calmer now, but still on high alert.

"Well, I guess I can look around by myself." Sidney chuckled to Potter as they watched BJ dash off into the darkness quicker than he could react to follow him.

"Sidney, Is he alright you think? BJ?"

Suddenly remembering the conversation he had with the man just minutes earlier he let out a contemplative sigh. "Mostly..." he trailed off and paused to think for a short moment before he continued. "Promise me something will you Colonel?"

The colonel turned his head to look him in the eye. "What it is?"

"Once Hawkeye goes home, keep an eye on BJ for me. More than that, be a friend to him will you? I have a feeling this may be just as much of an adjustment for him as it will be for Pierce."

* * *

"Corporal. Radar. Wake up." Margaret shook the company clerk gently, but enough to wake him.

"Huh? What? What is it?" Radar groggily sat up and blindly reached for his glasses.

"It's Hawkeye, he's wandered off, alone."

"Oh no! He could have ended up anywhere!" He was sitting straight up now, suddenly wide awake. "Ooh boy and he won't even know where he is either!" Radar quickly stood up and hastened to put on his pants.

"Exactly, that's why we need to find him. Do you know where he might have tried to go? Or why he would even try to go anywhere for that matter?"

"oh well actually, you know, he did seem kind of grumpy all day. yah know, real down in the dumps. More than he's been. He even yelled at me a couple of times!"

"Grumpy how Corporal? Did he say anything specific."

"ooh, um, he did trip in the mess tent, nearly fell on his face but I caught him. and I heard him say something under his breath about how feeble he felt. After that he was mad for the rest of the day, I was afraid he might try and do something crazy. I guess he's finally gone and done it."

* * *

BJ rounded the corner by the mess tent and was stopped abruptly by the end of a rifle.

"Who goes there?"

"It's _me_ Klinger, have you seen Hawkeye? And put that gun down will ya?" BJ spoke shortly but not too angrily.

"Oh sorry sir, it's so dark over here I could hardly recognize you."

"Klinger. Have you seen Hawkeye, he's wandered off, he could be anywhere." BJ was trying his best not to sound scared.

"Oh, Captain Pierce? Just saw him about fifteen minutes ago, all but nearly ran into me. Said he was just heading to the latrine."

"And why did you let him do that?" BJ questioned the corporal through gritted teeth trying not to let his temper get to him.

"Well why not sir, if a man's gotta go, a mans gotta go. who am I to stop him?" Klinger was surprisingly oblivious to BJ's harsh tone.

"Klinger." BJ sighed and rubbed his temples. "Hawkeye is blind now remember? He can't see where he's going to get to the latrine!" His top was all but blown over as he spat out the last sentence.

"Oh no that's right! I completely forgot, how could I be so stupid? You know, he could be anywhere by now!"

BJ was trying his very hardest not to deck Klinger in the face right then and there. "Never mind that now Klinger, we need to find him before he gets himself into any trouble."

"Of course captain, I'll go alert the other watchmen right now." Klinger quickly dashed off in the opposite direction as BJ who made bee line straight to the latrines. Hopeful that maybe Hawkeye's sense of direction wasn't too terrible and he'd find him there.

Suddenly a loud explosion shook the compound and all signs indicated it had come from the mine field behind the latrines. BJ froze in his tracks for a fraction of a second as his heart stopped and he assumed his worst fears had come true. He then immediately broke into the fastest sprint he'd ever run in the direction of the explosion, screaming.

"Hawkeye! Hawkeye!"

As he neared the latrine he could make out a figure crouched just at the edge of the mine field. And he was next to him before he could doubt if it was even Hawkeye.

"Hawkeye!" He grabbed the tall man, immediately checking for injury. "Are you alright?! What are you doing out here?! you could've gotten yourself killed?! Why didn't you ask for help?" The flurry of questions came out in a mixture of anger and concern.

Hawkeye just sat there staring at nothing in a sort of daze. "It was... it was just a rock. Yeah, I kicked a rock, must've been big enough to set it off. I'm...I'm fine." He was still shaking but all in in all he was fine, much to BJ's relief.

"Hawkeye. When I heard the explosion. I... I assumed the worst."

"Well I'm fine, alright." Hawkeye pulled away from BJ and stood up. He was cranky and did not appreciate the pity.

"Hawk, what's wrong? I mean other than the obvious." Just then he noticed a crumpled up piece of paper in Hawkeye's left hand. He grabbed for it, lifting Hawkeye's whole arm in the process.

"What's this?" Hawkeye gently allowed BJ to take it. BJ uncrumpled the rigid paper and looked at what it was. Upon his realization he said nothing and gave Hawkeye a puzzled look, perhaps wondering why on earth he had brought it on a simple excursion to the latrine. Before he could find the words to actually say something a band of personnel was upon them.

"Oh Thank god, He's okay." Margaret whispered loud enough for most to hear as several others gasped and sighed in relief.

"I'm fine, it's fine, it was just a rock, sorry to wake you all." Hawkeye spoke toward the large group that had gathered, pretending his best not to seem shaken up.

"C'mon son, I know you say you're fine, but I still want to give you a proper look see in the morning after we all get some much needed rest." The colonel spoke calmly.

"I'm fine!" Hawkeye wasn't just hesitating he was blatantly refusing with the way he said so. "Why can't everyone just accept that I'm fine!" Hawkeye was screaming now. If the landmine exploding hadn't managed to wake someone up, Hawkeye's yelling certainly would.

Potter subtly looked over at Sidney hinting at at him to say something to calm the situation. Sidney however, was distracted by BJ who was again looking at the wrinkled paper in his hand. His face was furrowed now as he began to put together some of the pieces.

"Sidney, I think you might want to take a look at this, it was crumpled up in his hand when I found him." The two each took a few steps nearer the other so BJ could slip the paper into Sindey's hands.

 _Androscoggin College of Medicine_

 _This certifies that Benjamin Franklin Pierce has satisfactorily completed..._

With only a quick glance Sidney recognized what it was and what it had been doing in Hawkeye's hand. The only thing he didn't understand was how he could have missed this coming.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: hey guys, I'm really sorry it's been so long. I'd like to say I have an excuse but I really don't, sorry. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own m*a*s*h or any of its characters.**

It was nearly noon when Sidney woke up. After checking the time and realizing how late it was he groggily looked around the tent to see if any of his tent mates had slept as long as he had. When he finally discerned that the crumpled up blankets on the captains' cots were indeed nothing more than blankets he decided he really ought to get up and start the day. The events of the previous night had gone unaddressed given the hour and exhaustion of everyone involved. Now Sidney was going to have his work cut out for him. After making a quick stop at the latrine Sidney made his way towards the mess tent.

"There's our sleepy psychiatrist. We were beginning to wonder if you decided to sleep through the whole war." Quipped BJ who was sitting at the end of the long table. Hawkeye was sitting next to him, not saying a word, hardly even acknowledging Sidney's presence.

"Oh, I wouldn't dream of it, not when there's such a killing to be made here." Sidney yawned as the last few words rolled off his tongue. "but first I think I need some coffee."

"Here, have mine, I can't drink it." Hawkeye finally spoke up for the first time since Sidney arrived in the mess tent. He pushed the mug across the table letting it slosh out the sides.

"What's wrong with it?" Sindey picked up the mug looking into it with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh nothing more than usual, just can't stomache the taste of dirt today." he grimaced trying to joke but still sounded depressed.

Sidney then looked down at Hawkeye's tray and noticed his lunch comprised of nothing but a single piece of toast with only a small bite taken out.

"The toast taste like dirt too?" Sidney nudged.

"More like Charcoal actually. Igor really burnt it today." But when Sidney inspected the toast further he could see it was not burnt in the slightest, a rare phenomenon really.

"Hawkeye, call it a hunch, but I think you might just not be hungry. Which is fine by the way."

Hawkeye shrugged quickly and sighed ever so lightly. "Guess not."

"Good, me either. I was actually thinking of taking a walk, join me would you?"

Hawkeye was fully aware this was Sidney's casual way of trying to talk with him privately about last night events. He really dreaded the idea but he also couldn't bare the stench of the mess tent any longer. He sighed and stood up to join Sidney, carefully bracing himself on BJ as the memory from his incident with Radar replayed vividly in his mind. He winced as a shot of anger rose up in him.

"Woah Hawk, you all right?" BJ asked when he felt his friend tighten his grip for a fraction of second before releasing it completely.

"Oh, never better." He said through gritted teeth and patted BJ's back in a matter of fact manner. He took a step into the isle as he heard Sidney make his way toward him. The two made their way out of the mess tent and into the bright early spring day.

Sidney led Hawkeye on a brisk walk around the perimeter of the compound. He didn't say anything to the man he was guiding for the first few minutes and for this Hawkeye was grateful. At the same time however, the suspense of when Sidney would start with the psychological cow prodding was killing him.

"Hawkeye," Sidney started suddenly slowing their pace and eventual came to a full stop. Where ever they had stopped it was quiet, Hawkeye could only hear the soft buzz of the camp behind them.

 _Here it comes_. Hawkeye braced himself as he awaited what Sidney was going to poke him with first.

"Why'd you tense? I'm not going to bite you." Sidney gave a small chortle at the captain's apprehension.

"I'm fine Sid. I told you, I told everyone, I'm fine."

"You're telling me you are in no way being affected by your current, life alerting situation? Because the events of the last few days would tell me otherwise."

"Okay, so what, I've had a few outbursts? But I'm over it now Sidney. I've accepted it. I'm moving on and I'll be out of here in a few days."

"a man who's accepted something doesn't usually doesn't pull a stunt like you did last night. You could have killed yourself wandering off like that."

Hawkeye was silent and his expression was somber.

"Hawkeye, needing help is okay. No one can do everything by themselves. Whether they have 20/20 vision or not. I know you'd like to think you're Superman, but heck, even Superman needs help from The Justice League sometimes."

"I know that Sidney!" Hawkeye screamed in an angry outburst. He calmed and continued. "That was something I was forced to accept during my first week in Korea."

"Tell me about it?" Sidney genuinely inquired, wondering if this was the valve he needed to release.

"On my first day in the OR I lost Six patients. Six. God Sid..., none of them could have been older than 19. I wasn't good enough. I'd never seen wounds so severe. That night I didn't sleep. I stayed up reading every medical journal I could find on the compound. I wanted so badly to never to lose another patient again. The next batch we got in I only lost three. Still, as far as I was concerned, it might as well have been a hundred. I hated myself but I never cried. Not once. That night, Trapper noticed me wallowing in self pity and rereading journals I'd already read three times. We weren't really friends yet, but you now what he said to me?"

"No, what?" Sidney was curious as to where Hawkeye was going with all of this.

"He said 'Come on, get your damn nose of out of those journals, I'm buying you a drink.'" Hawkeye laughed to himself as he fondly reflected on his dear friend.

"And he took me down to Rosie's, bought me the driest martini I've ever had and we joked and we laughed all night long. Then after we were both totally skunked and we got back to The Swamp he sobered up for about two seconds and said 'listen, no matter how many times you read those things, you're still going to lose some.' And I accepted it. I still kept up on my journals and tried my damn best in the OR but I stopped obsessing. I focused on the good I could do and all the boys I could save."

"You're a good doctor Hawkeye." Sidney made sure to speak of his abilities in the present tense. He wasn't so sure Hawkeye would do himself the same favor.

"Did you know I had the highest survival rate of any surgeon working in a M*A*S*H unit? A general once offered to have me transferred to be his personal physician in Tokyo but I turned him down."

"Now why would Hawkeye Pierce, A man who's been working in a filthy M*A*S*H unit for over a year ever turn down a soft cushy job in Tokyo?" Sidney was already fully aware why but knew Hawkeye need to admit it to himself before he could accept his current reality.

"I don't know, seems really dumb of me now doesn't it?"

"Why'd you turn it down Hakweye?"

"I don't know. I guess, I was just self righteous. I wanted to stay the big shot surgeon, the hero."

"Hawkeye I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. I know you pretty well, both as a psychiatrist and as a friend and I think you actually didn't take the job because you're humble. Because you care about people more than yourself. You don't actually see yourself as a God, you're instinct to save people is just so strong you beat yourself up for not being one."

"Sid..." Hawkeye started and had to stop as he felt his emotions stir inside of himself. "You're right" He choked out before finally bursting into tears. "You're right," he wailed and his crying turned into a hysterical sob.

"Hawkeye, what's the matter? you need to talk to me," Sidney soothed while also trying to get him to express his concerns. Hawkeye nodded in reply but a few minutes passed before he was calm enough to translate his emotions into a coherent sentence.

"I love helping people, I love saving lives, it's all I've ever wanted to do. Ever since I was a kid. Ever since I my mom died. I dreamt of being a surgeon, of fixing people. You were right when you said my instinct was to help people. It's all I want to do. But it's pretty impossible to save a person when you can't see what their wounds are."

Sidney started to chuckle before letting out a big belly roar.

"What? quit laughing at me! You beg me to tell you my feelings and then laugh at me when I do. Not very validating."

"I'm sorry Pierce, you're right I shouldn't have laughed," Sidney replied getting serious once again, "but you do realize you're talking to a psychiatrist right?" He allowed a small smile to come across his face. "There aren't any wounds much more invisible than those of the inner workings of the human mind."

"Yeah, I guess, but that's different Sid, you know that."

"No, I'm afraid I don't know. How is it any different?" Sidney's eyebrows creased slightly.

"I'm just saying, without you, a person is just going to be crazy a little bit longer. They aren't going to die. You're not saving their lives, you're helping them sure, but not rescuing them from death."

Sidney was quiet a moment as he processed this totally inaccurate and incredibly bias statement from his friend. He was even a little offended.

"Hawkeye, Do you not appreciate the type of work that I do?"

"Of course I do Sidney, what you do is incredible. I mean, it's one thing to make someone healthy but it's another to make them happy. I'm just saying it's different," Hawkeye shrugged. he didn't know why Sidney didn't understand him.

"Hawkye, I like to think I've saved many people's lives doing what I do. I know there's no hard evidence some of my patients would have committed suicide without my help, but the number of patients I've lost despite my best efforts convince me that I have saved at least some lives. We're really not all that different you know." Sidney was used to physicians treating his work like this before but was surprised someone as open minded as Hawkeye felt the same way.

"I'm sorry Sidney, I guess I do just have a complex, I didn't think," was all he said in response and then his faced lit up and a small smile crossed his face.

"What is it Hawk?" Sidney could tell he was thinking about something.

"You reminded me of something Radar said to me yesterday while our were all in OR." And he chuckled to himself a bit.

"Oh yeah, what?"

"He asked me since you wouldn't let me go near pre-op or The OR if I wanted to visit post op. I brushed him off pretty harshly. And would believe it? That kid blew up at me!" Hawkeye and Sidney both laughed a bit at this point.

Hawkeye continued. "He said just about the same thing you did. That I like helping people, and that I could help cheer up some of the wounded."

"He's right you know, there's more to being a surgeon than just sewing people back together. More that doesn't require being able to physically see the patient."

Hawkeye nodded, regaining color in his face as the negativity that had consumed him began to wear away.

"So don't use your medical diploma as toilet paper just yet eh?" Sidney let out a small chortle.

Hawkeye grimaced in both shame and embarrassment when he realized Sidney had caught on to that part of last night's events. "Ha, yeah okay maybe not my smartest idea."

"Definitely not." Sidney and Hawkeye both laughed.

"Hey Sidney, thanks. And one more thing?" Hawkeye questioned apprehensively.

"Of course Hawkeye, what is it?"

"Mind taking me to visit post op?" He said and held out his hand to be lead away.

A grin spread over the entirety of Sidney's face and even though Hawkeye couldn't see it, he could practically hear it as he replied with a cheery "it would be my pleasure, Doctor Pierce."

 **AN: so I'm thinking I might just leave this story here while it's relatively resolved. I'm running low on motivation and even though I have more ideas I just don't know if I should continue. What do you guys think? Should I write some more to this? Let me know in a review please!**


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